Provides an accessible and approachable overview of past philosophies, and shows how they apply better to your life than the harmful self-help-positivity trends we see today. Written in a light and humorous way. Is very strong and enlightening in the middle. So many ‘aha’ moments.
#Are you choosing your lifestyle?
Without people around you, would you still have all the material desires you have now? We choose our lifestyles—our houses, our clothes, and our watches—with other people in mind. Our desires would diminish drastically if we didn’t need to impress anyone. We feel more envy to the people close to us. We are far more likely to feel envy to our work colleague than to a celebrity.
#On comparison
It is not what we own that satisfies us, but rather what we have in relation to what we feel is possible and attainable for ourselves. This is the tension that causes our dissatisfaction. The places and things that insist most loudly that they will make us happy rarely do. We search for happiness in distractions rather than joy.
#Are you the author of your own story?
If we don’t assume more conscious authorship of our stories, others will write them for us, and we will invariably find ourselves fundamentally bored or anxious to any number of complaints from within. We don’t make decisions based on our experiences. We make decisions based on stories of our experiences. We care a lot about the endings when we consider stories. A considered life is one in which we deeply engage with our own story. We need to identify what our story is and then know how to move it forward.
#Building blocks for happiness
If you are pained by external things, it is not they that disturb you, but your own judgment of them. And it is in your power to wipe out that judgment now. Don’t try to change things you cannot control. There is a difference between taking charge of something and taking responsibility for the things you’re feeling. When you let things go that you cannot control, nothing bad happens. Blind optimism rarely thinks to distinguish between what is and what is not in our control. It relies on the sheer faith to have us believe that everything is under our control. Mentally rehearse losing everything you have: Using negative visualization. Teaching from the Epicureans: Learn to desire what you already have, and you will have all you need.
#Happiness and religion
With Christianity the attainment of perfect happiness ceased to be a concern of the here and now and became something that would happen in the far-off future. With Christianity we are told we should suffer now to obtain happiness later. In contrast to the Stoics and Epicureans which strived to avoid suffering, the Christians now instructed us to embrace it as a sign of holiness. Happiness should not be our goal per se, and to chase it directly is a mistake. Instead see it as a by-product, achieved indirectly through the process of individual liberation.
#You are not your work
Your daily employment does not need to be your identity. It’s a wonderful bonus to do what one enjoys, but it’s not necessary. What counts is not the work but your relationship to it. To become happier we need to reassess our attachments to things in the world. We need to feel differently about things that cause anxiety.
#Stoic virtue
The Stoics way of achieving tranquility was through virtue. Virtue in the sense of a thing doing the job it was designed for as well as possible. For instance, “A house has virtue when it is well built and does its unique job as a house very well.” Deciding the virtue of a person comes from first understanding what that thing’s unique quality and purpose is in the world. Humans unique quality is our capacity for reason.
#The top five regrets of the dying
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.
#You are responsible for your emotions
Whenever you’re feeling mad, bad, or sad, ask yourself this:
- I am responsible for how I feel about external events. What am I doing to give myself this feeling?
- Is this thing that’s upsetting me something which lies under my control? If not, what if I were to decide it’s fine and let it go?
We can accept that a thing is not within our control and decide it’s fine. Once we’ve made that decision, our insecurities dissolve.
You aren’t aiming to “let go” of thoughts like the Buddhists—rather we want to rationally engage with them. Resisting curiosity (about gossip or what other people say about you) is a refinement of the Stoic rule to only concern yourself with what lies in your power.
#Anger is only proof of unrealistic expectations
We can aim high, seek to change the world, yet always be satisfied by the outcome. Anger is just proof of how unrealistic your expectations were. It would be mad to rely on fame as a source of happiness. Other people lend you renown and you rely on that, something of theirs, to be famous.
The fantasy of wealth promises to change our lives for the better. We are somewhat ‘future biased’. We care more about what’s yet to happen. We feel and think differently about the future than we do about the past. Death does not round off a life with the satisfying ending of a film. It does not ‘complete’. It is up to us to bring the story to a close by recognizing it as such.
#Happiness is about the stories we tell ourselves
Take authorship of your stories, and experience mindfulness rather than mindlessness. It makes for a happier and healthier life.
We are trapped inside our own heads. Our beliefs and understandings of the world are limited by that perspective. Perhaps the first mark of emotional maturity is to realize that there’s an enormous gulf between the events of the world and what we do with them. “Out there” and “In here” are two very different kingdoms, and other people are not accountable for how we feel.
Confirmation bias provides daily all the evidence we need to keep the storyline we’ve created for our life continuing to look like the truth. Remember that fame and success do very little to affect one’s level of happiness.
We need some sort of story in place, because without one we would lack any coherent sense of identity. But gently reconsider your personal tale and be open to improvement. A little editing and polishing can go a long way. The real secret to happiness might be to accept the indifference of the universe to your wishes. The universe does not rearrange itself according to your whim.
#Remember to smile
Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions, it relies on the inward conditions. Happiness is what you think about it. It’s dependent on your mental attitude.
In making a good impression, the expression on your face is tremendously more important than the clothes you wear. The effect of a smile is powerful — even when it’s unseen. Your smile comes through in your voice. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.